embrace positivity

 I had disabilities all of my life, Ocular Motor Apraxia when I was younger and Joubert Syndrome was discovered by my neurologist at the age of fourteen. This will be hard to pinpoint but throughout my life, I always was concerned about if people were genuinely laughing at my jokes (I can be a comedian at work, LOL), because they were funny or because of my disability. For example, I was working at Crowne Plaza and I was telling a joke and my co worker laughed her ass off to the point she fell to the ground. I told my other co worker, it wasn't that funny. That moment I wondered if she was being genuine on her laughter  or being super fake in that awkwardness because I have a disability, she just didn't know how to deal. Another example is when people say that I'm so sweet and the motherfuckers only spent two minutes with me. I hope they are genuinely nice but don't be fake nice to me since I have a disability. I don't know, this is how I felt and still sometimes fe...

Sometimes I want to chill with my own thoughts. I often reflect on my triumphs, setbacks and mistakes. I try to not regret anything, I just tell myself that I should've maneuvered in different ways. I promised myself that I wouldn't live in the past unless I reflect on how far I've come in life. I also don't want to relive the past because I had dark thoughts sometimes and I refuse to go back unless I look back on how far I've came like I said before. When I reflect, it can just look like me sitting on my couch in deep thought or the reflection can just come out of nowhere like when I go to a cafe and I think of a thought and that thought comes with many thoughts so in conclusion, deep thought. Maybe I'm mixing up reflection with getting into my emotions. Also, I could reflect on getting into my emotions. I don't know, I'm just rambling now, but I think this rambling makes sense.     In regards of getting into my emotions, I don't feel like it's ...